The Radical Republicans had to be stopped. And even Lincoln was too extreme.

What were they thinking. The Founders Themselves enshrined slavery in our Constitution. Had they somehow forgotten in four score and less than seven years?

I sure hadn’t. That’s why I work as a lobbyist for America’s Slave Holding Programs, the industry group.

Opportunist politicians had been persuading the unsuspecting American public that slavery should be ended and even that it was wrong. They twisted the words of Thomas Jefferson—the founding slaveholder patriot—as if he would have supported their ridiculous cause.

As common sense dictates, all throughout history the powerful control the weak. To the winner goes the spoils. The victorious Romans enslaved the defeated Greeks. This is the natural order.

Slavery has served all of us, both the slaves and masters—and even the non-slaveholding free men—well. The plantations perform well, which is good for the economy, and costs are minimized. Blacks are fed and clothed, not subject to starvation or exposure to the elements.

Yes, it’s not perfect. That’s why some are proposing reforms. They would allow slaves to continue their current arrangement or enroll in the public option.

Under the public option, slaves would have a taste of freedom on the weekends. They could hire themselves out for work at five cents per day. Slaveholders would be free from feeding and housing slaves on those weekends.

Some people believe that the public option—billed as slow, sensible reform—is the right path.

But listen. The public option is not the answer. We need to trust the system that has worked for our country from the beginning. We must preserve and protect our traditions and our beloved institutions, especially slavery.

Our industry is the free-market solution. We manage slaves, providing skilled overseers and beatings, crushing slave revolts and other essential services.This solution is already in place. We must let it work.

Fortunately, I’ve had quite a bit of success influencing both the public and the government to see the light. I’m pretty sure both Lincoln and the Radical Republicans will be defeated in 1860.

Slavery is evil? Freedom is a right?! Give me a break.